need opinions on these Lyrics please?

Question

Need opinions on these Lyrics please?
Alright these are some poems/lyrics that ive written. Theres only three of them and there short. I just want some opinions please be honest. Itll help me know if i need to change things or not
And yes i know there are grammer mistakes lol



A HEART TO COLD TO CARE

In the darkness of our souls
Lies a demon that’s so cold
Waiting so long to be freed
In the depths of our own dreams
This demon has control
of all the evil that I know
So if you love me let me go
My hearts to dark to care
for something that isn’t there
The pain of you has burned a hole
Deep inside my sadistic soul
The ruthlessness of love
Periced a dagger trough my heart
So if you love me let go
Of all the evil that I know
Your love is like a sick demonic plague
It eats trough my flesh and bone
So if you love me let me go
My hearts just to dark to care
For something that isn’t there



UNTITLED
Here in the darkness, we both turn to gray
Waiting in silence trying to forget the pain
This sadictic plauge has rotted my soul
You will not know the demons that ive let go
The vampiric addiction has cursed trough my vains
Feeding the appite that I so dearly crave

You were the one that tore out my soul
Ripping the flish tearing it off the bone
Cold was my soul but untold was the pain
The fate that you left me like a rose in the rain

Can you see trough me with your vision
Inside my heart the barless prison
You will see the cold inside me
Waiting there, eterinal hiding

You caused the paluge that rotted my mind
Making me numb that I canot feel inside


UNTITLED
Standing there on top of your monracy
Looking down at the monstostry
You will laugh at the looks on our face
When we fall and bow to your evil grace
You controll, blind our eyes but you don’t know

You cant cant take me
No you cant break me
You can chase me
But youll never stop me

I shall speak the truth as I see it
Moist believe you but I will break you
You cant hide behind your lies forever

Your cover up your lies with war
Cover up your lies with hate
As people die in vain
Ill tell you one thing
you will not controll my fate

You cant cant take me
No you cant break me
You can chase me
But youll never stop me

Answer 1

The verses are good poetry. There's not very much balance within the lines though, I mean with the meter- the beats per line. You could change a few words and omit a few to get a better balance. It's like the difference in:



Here in the darkness, we both turn to gray

Waiting in silence trying to forget the pain

AND

Here in darkness we both turn to grey

waiting in silence to forget the pain



In my revision, you can hear four beats per measure. But if the lyrics are meant to be sung, than anything can really go. I like the strong diction choices because it denotes a mood of passion and an understanding of eminence- but the meaning is still so hidden. I get a definite style out of these.

Answer 2

The first and second one look a bit like some slightly clever words thrown together with some repetitive rhymes...

the last one sounds like a Demi Lovato song:/



Do you really feel this dark? Cause there are a lot of dark things mentioned. Try putting some meaning in your lyrics, instead of just saying how demonic and vengeful you feel...



sorry if I'm WAY off, I don't know your life.

Answer 3

I don't know too much about the musical part to it but this would make perfect peotry